Martial Arts... so complicated

(I wasn’t in a ‘writing’ mood when I typed all this, so it might not read very smooth. But all the ideas are there… you just have to find them)

For the past couple weeks i've avoided going to tae kwon do because i hurt my knee pretty bad. It's kind of ironic that now that i've hurt my leg, i really feel like practicing- whereas before i was in good physical condition and tae kwon do seemed like a chore. Well I thought that if i can't get into shape physically, i would brush up mentally and head down to the library. looking through the hundreds of thousands of books at the U of A library, i was surprised to see only a small section about martial arts. But i did find one good book though. i guess it's about quality, not quantity because i would rather have this one book than a whole shelf of useless books. Ok well in this book, a guy began to study tae kwon do here in the united states. Eventually he went to korea to study with a highly respected teacher. After reading about all the training this guy had to go through, i felt like my black belt was just handed to me. This guy trained for years and years- multiple times every day. I think it's funny how a black belt can mean as little or as much as one perceives. Don't get me wrong, i take pride in my belt, and i don't think it's meaningless. But some schools give black belts out like candy. Although i wasn't really just 'given' this belt, i certainly didn't earn it like the guy who wrote that book did. It's just kind of funny how we could both say “yeah i'm a black belt in tae kwon do”... but we have taken very different approaches to the art. And, we have very different results (ok, that's a nice way of saying that this guy could kick my ass). anyways, after this guy trained for years and years and received his 2nd 3rd and 4th degree black belt, he went to a temple for two days. The monks at the temple practiced Sun Kwan Moo martial arts, as well as spiritual development and other monk-like stuff. Form the few korean words i know, Sun Kwan Moo means: 'Zen' 'Style/Way’ and... well i don't know what the 'Moo' means. But anyways, the guy got the chance to 'spar' or fight these monks. The really interesting thing is that despite this guy's years of training, the monks won every match. Other Tae Kwon Do students sparred with the monks, and every time the monks won. I've always thought that there isn't a perfect 'way' or 'style', but after reading about how every single Tae Kwon Do student was defeated, i'm tempted to say, "damn, what are the Sun Kwan Moo monks doing that the rest of us aren't?" Well i still don't think that there's a perfect 'way'... but it's interesting to think about. I've been trying to apply the 'martial arts way of doing things' outside of class. I don't mean eating my cereal like a ninja... i'm talking about just having a slightly different mindset. Is it weird that as i was reading this book, a couple girls walked by (in the library) talking really loud about getting shit-faced at a party and not remembering what some guy's name was; and i couldn't help but be ashamed about our way of life here in the states. As i walked home, i was just noticing a bunch of people that were so caught up in their own conversations that i started to think of how pathetic and pointless everyone's life was. I'm normally not a depressing person who thinks that everyone else is annoying and just... i don't know- being obnoxious or something. I told myself that I should try to focus on things that are actually worth pursuing. At the same time though, I could relate to the ‘obnoxious’ people in the street, and I could see how it’s fun to be caught up in some moment that really won’t have a meaning in a year or two. I guess the end result of this whole experience is that I’m just tired of setting stupid goals and achieving them. I don’t really know how to describe what I’m talking about. It’s just a different mindset I guess, it’s like a feeling that you have, only you have it all the time. Maybe it could be described as an appreciation/respect for life or something. Ok, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. But I do think that it would be fun to go to korea and start Tae Kwon Do all over again. I can really seeing myself graduating college, visiting korea, and then just staying there for a really long time without even planning to. For me, martial arts is starting to become something that is as much a mental thing as it is physical. I’m not talking about mentally thinking about punching/kicking as I physically punch and kick, I’m talking about changing my expectations and understandings outside of tae kwon do. Martial arts is one of the few things that you can pursue your whole life, and always have more to learn. Unlike soccer, baseball, etc. you don’t practice to achieve one goal (a state championship or something). You practice for the sake of practicing. Some people think that you’re supposed to practice tae kwon do incase you’re attacked or jumped out on the street. While this is true, there’s still so much more to martial arts. If you can’t relate to what I’m saying then I don’t know of any way to describe it. Maybe I can say that you can think of “the martial arts way of life” like religion, but once again… religion kind of falls under the ‘goal oriented’ category. Now before you object, just think of it this way: would most people practice Christianity if there was no promise of heaven? Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone could just practice Christianity for the sake Christianity? Now if you’re a Christian, I’m sure you’re going to say “of course I’d still follow the Christian way of life”. But just think of everyone else- would ‘most’ people still go to church and such. Well somehow all this is supposed to apply to martial arts. I think this is the part where I say that martial arts “as a way of life” is actually a very difficult thing to pursue, but it’s never ending. I guess that’s the part that relates to religion. Anyways, I would really like to keep practicing tae kwon do and other martial arts… but it’s too bad that all we have here in the states are ‘watered-down’ styles. Maybe someday I’ll at least begin to understand the art… for now, there’s just too much depth for me to grasp.

-steve

a book you can read again and again

is it too early to look throught last year's year book? i always thought that year books are something you're supposed to go through after years and years of keeping them locked up in the attic. i'm pretty sure it hasn't even been a year, and i yesterday i looked through my whole year book. which makes me think: wow, did high school suck! but the people didn't...
-steve

Pointless

Well I tried to get a couple posts up that weren’t about that girl that I can’t stop thinking about. I managed to write one mediocre post that didn’t involve her, but now I’m back to being myself… with my pointless thoughts. Well this blog has to do with a little message that she sent me a couple days ago. She said “do you remember that one time when you caught the clock at 11:11 and then you said 'make a wish'.” well apparently she heard the song Konstantine (by something corporate) and it just reminded her of that night. After reading her message I found myself smiling and thinking about that night. I hit reply and started to type, “yeah I remember that, but do you remember that other night when…” and then I stopped. I’m not sure why I didn’t send her the message. I think I felt like I just reply too quickly, too often. Then I was thinking about how I should take her advice and stop talking to her (I talked about this in the blog ‘this is a long one, don’t read it’) . Anyways, I caved in like 2 days and I just replied like 5 minutes ago.
I’m not sure this blog is going anywhere, but i noticed that the “11:11” thing was like a direct reference to one of my previous posts. I can't tell if she was trying to imply anything with that “catch the clock at 11:11” comment, but it got me thinking about the post I wrote a couple months ago. I replied to her and said, “I remember that night” and “ that’s a good memory”. But what I really wanted to tell her was “Sure that memory is a good one, but I know one that’s way better.” Then I would have gone on to tell her about how she looked when she was crying with her makeup running down her cheek as I sang her a song on the day I left. But of course, you can’t say something like that to ‘a friend’. So I just rambled on about pointless things that I shouldn’t have even bothered to say. Well I think I’m starting to ramble again… so I’ll just stop here
-steve

Who Needs a Comapss!

This post is only here to lighten the mood, there's really no value to it:

So I’ve been thinking about taking a trip with my roommate this summer. So far, we plan to by a really cheap plane ticket to Europe (anywhere in Europe) . From there, we’ll have a month to do whatever until we have to catch our plane back home. Is this not the best plan anyone has ever thought of? Now the problem is what do we do for an entire month. We’ve decided that we want to visit, Italy, France, Germany, Spain, and anywhere else we can take a train to. I’ve already planned on running out of money by the time we hit Spain. But don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. My parents wire me like 150 bucks so I can buy a Spanish guitar (and probably a cool spanish hat). Then we’ll play on the side of the street so people can give us money. The best part is that we’ll be singing in a different language… and people will automatically think we’re exotic and talented. Or we could just enter a bull fight, win, and become famous… or killed. This plan has got to work!!
We’ve also talked about going to Asia instead. So far that plan would include us camping on the great wall of china while defending the country from the Mongolians. The only problem is that nobody is going to speak English. I’m not sure how tourist-friendly those places are. In fact, I’ve heard that when you get off the plane in Japan, a band of samari warriors attacks you. The samuri are one thing, I can handle that—but what about ninjas? We won’t even see them coming. I think the only thing I’m going to learn from this trip is how bad us Americans are with stereotypes.
-steve

this is a long one, don't read it

well i tried sleeping but that didn't work out... so now i'll try blogging. I've thought about starting a new blog and not telling anyone about it. It's not that i don't like the comments or anything, it's just that i've been holding back so many things that i want to say- and the only reason is because i know that everyone knows about my site. but i decided that i don't really care. It would defeat the purpose of blogging if i tried to sensor what i really had to say. so here goes. i'm pretty sure that most of my friends aren't going to think less of me for saying what i really feel (maybe that's just because i have good friends). and it's no secret who i'm going to blog about. everyone knows who she is; she's the one who i didn't want to read this. but she knows pretty much everything about me anyways. so what do i have to lose. right?
ok well i was trying to fall asleep, and just like everyday for the last few months, i find myself laying there thinking about her. i don't even know how to describe it. it's not like i try to think about her, it's just that at the end of the day, when everything has calmed down- she's all that's left to think about. not school. not what happened earlier that day. just her. and it always crosses my mind that this isn't how it's supposed to be. i'm not supposed to be caught up on somebody who's 3,000 miles away and who feels completely different about me. I know it's lame that i have a huge crush on a girl who doesn't feel the same way. On a girl who isn't even here. but i still do. i've tried to get over her. but this time it's different. i've tried everything i know. i've written songs about her, i've tried to tell myself that it's never going to go anywhere, and yes- i've even tried to hook up with another girl. i'm not going to lie on this one because it really happened.
Everyone told me that as soon as college starts, there is going to be so many girls that i won't even think about her. But it didn't work. so in my final desperate attempt, i started to hang out with this other girl. I tried to convince myself that she had something that the other girl didn't. but i deep down knew i was just telling myself that, and that it wasn’t true. we ended up making out one night, and the whole time i was just thinking that this isn't the girl who i want to end up with. and no offense to 'this girl' because i wasn't trying to use her or anything, but it was just a desperate attempt to get over someone else (ok i guess that is 'using' someone... but i didn't mean to at the time). and it didn't even work. now i don't even talk to her, and i'm pretty sure she feels the same way i do.
Do you want to know what the really pathetic part is? the next day i felt like i had just cheated on the girl who's 3,000 miles away. yeah that's right, i felt like i cheated on a girl who doesn't even care who i hook up with. I guess i did learn something from that mistake (if i can even call it that). I learned that 'hooking up' with girls really isn't worth it. at least not for me. i'd rather just wait until it really means something. so here i am... waiting... it's like 3 months and counting.
I think the part that really annoys me is that no matter how long i wait, it won't change anything. you can't change how somebody feels. i can write every song in the world, and it still won't change anything. and even if i could, that's not how i'd want it to be. you know what i mean right? it's like a toy doll that says 'i love you' when you pull the string. nobody really wants a doll that says that. it doesn't mean anything if the doll hasn’t come to that conclusion on it’s own.
So here i am... running a race with no finish line. it doesn't matter what i do. it doesn't what plan i have, what mistakes i make. i can't win. But i guess that's kinda how it's supposed to work right? people are supposed to want what they can't have. is that some kind of joke that we play on ourselves? but then again, if everyone was willing to 'just settle' there would never be break ups and divorces. it seems like everyone gets tired of the same old thing. there's way too many people who have bought 'the car of their dreams' and then sold it for something else a year later. what ever happend to the 'dream?' -when did you get tired of having everything you could ever want?
When i was a kid (ok i know, i'm still a kid) i though that love would always be really easy to recognize. And i thought that i would always be able to be happy with what i have, and that i'd never get tired of it. I thought it would be easy to know when you're in love because i thought there was only one other person out there. i know i probably sound like a little girl right now, but remember- this is when i was really little. I thought that when i met ‘her’, and she met me- we would both know what to do. and that we would both feel the same way. But how could i overlook something as big as the fact that she might not feel the same way about me? that never occurred to me. maybe that's just because i was told too many fairy tales when I was a kid. Maybe I just believed in them too much.
But now i have a different feeling about what love is: i think it's harder to recognize than i first assumed. I think that when you try to fall asleep, and night after night you can't help thinking about the same person... or when that person moves miles and miles away and you haven't seen them for a while- but you still think about them everyday...or when you can't look at any other girl the same way because it just isn't the same... or when you swear that if things just worked out, you would do everything you could to make sure they never regretted one minute....well maybe that's closer to what love its. i'm still not sure. maybe one day i'll figure this all out. for now i'm just thinking that love isn't supposed to work one way. so i guess this can't be love.
Well i'm not sure that i've figured anything else out from typing all this, but maybe i can sleep now. for the record, i think that this girl is worth chasing after, even if there is no finish line to this race.
*Ok so Dashboard Confessional is playing right now, and i heard the line "just bend the pieces till they fit. but they weren't ment for this." do i even need to explain this one? i was just about to hit the 'post' button, but now i have make this connection: it's not like this girl is a puzzle piece that doesn't fit.... it's more like she's a puzzle piece that fits really well, just not to the same puzzle as me.

Oh, one more thing-- i'm supposed to think of something to do when she comes back to visit. I've been thinking- hike to some place with a cool view? ice skating? but now i think i'm not going to do anything. there's not much i can do. i wanted to do something that would stand out in her memmory. but if i do anything that's really worth remembering it's just going to seem like a date. i can't do anything too special, and it would just be a waste of time to do anything that's boring.

-steve

p.s. i know it's hopeless, you don't have to tell me

there's not much in this town

i was just playing one of my songs, and i started thinking about one of the lines- 'there's not much in this town.' well the more i think about it, the more i believe it. it's funny that tucson is actually a huge town when you compare it to other places in the US, but for some reason- there's just not much here. how can a place this big be so empty. i think i've just lived here too long. maybe i need a change of scenery. i'm afraid that everybody goes through this phase, and no matter where i go, i'm always going to get tired of seeing the same city. i've always said that this town is too big for me. so what now...
-steve