this is a long one, don't read it

well i tried sleeping but that didn't work out... so now i'll try blogging. I've thought about starting a new blog and not telling anyone about it. It's not that i don't like the comments or anything, it's just that i've been holding back so many things that i want to say- and the only reason is because i know that everyone knows about my site. but i decided that i don't really care. It would defeat the purpose of blogging if i tried to sensor what i really had to say. so here goes. i'm pretty sure that most of my friends aren't going to think less of me for saying what i really feel (maybe that's just because i have good friends). and it's no secret who i'm going to blog about. everyone knows who she is; she's the one who i didn't want to read this. but she knows pretty much everything about me anyways. so what do i have to lose. right?
ok well i was trying to fall asleep, and just like everyday for the last few months, i find myself laying there thinking about her. i don't even know how to describe it. it's not like i try to think about her, it's just that at the end of the day, when everything has calmed down- she's all that's left to think about. not school. not what happened earlier that day. just her. and it always crosses my mind that this isn't how it's supposed to be. i'm not supposed to be caught up on somebody who's 3,000 miles away and who feels completely different about me. I know it's lame that i have a huge crush on a girl who doesn't feel the same way. On a girl who isn't even here. but i still do. i've tried to get over her. but this time it's different. i've tried everything i know. i've written songs about her, i've tried to tell myself that it's never going to go anywhere, and yes- i've even tried to hook up with another girl. i'm not going to lie on this one because it really happened.
Everyone told me that as soon as college starts, there is going to be so many girls that i won't even think about her. But it didn't work. so in my final desperate attempt, i started to hang out with this other girl. I tried to convince myself that she had something that the other girl didn't. but i deep down knew i was just telling myself that, and that it wasn’t true. we ended up making out one night, and the whole time i was just thinking that this isn't the girl who i want to end up with. and no offense to 'this girl' because i wasn't trying to use her or anything, but it was just a desperate attempt to get over someone else (ok i guess that is 'using' someone... but i didn't mean to at the time). and it didn't even work. now i don't even talk to her, and i'm pretty sure she feels the same way i do.
Do you want to know what the really pathetic part is? the next day i felt like i had just cheated on the girl who's 3,000 miles away. yeah that's right, i felt like i cheated on a girl who doesn't even care who i hook up with. I guess i did learn something from that mistake (if i can even call it that). I learned that 'hooking up' with girls really isn't worth it. at least not for me. i'd rather just wait until it really means something. so here i am... waiting... it's like 3 months and counting.
I think the part that really annoys me is that no matter how long i wait, it won't change anything. you can't change how somebody feels. i can write every song in the world, and it still won't change anything. and even if i could, that's not how i'd want it to be. you know what i mean right? it's like a toy doll that says 'i love you' when you pull the string. nobody really wants a doll that says that. it doesn't mean anything if the doll hasn’t come to that conclusion on it’s own.
So here i am... running a race with no finish line. it doesn't matter what i do. it doesn't what plan i have, what mistakes i make. i can't win. But i guess that's kinda how it's supposed to work right? people are supposed to want what they can't have. is that some kind of joke that we play on ourselves? but then again, if everyone was willing to 'just settle' there would never be break ups and divorces. it seems like everyone gets tired of the same old thing. there's way too many people who have bought 'the car of their dreams' and then sold it for something else a year later. what ever happend to the 'dream?' -when did you get tired of having everything you could ever want?
When i was a kid (ok i know, i'm still a kid) i though that love would always be really easy to recognize. And i thought that i would always be able to be happy with what i have, and that i'd never get tired of it. I thought it would be easy to know when you're in love because i thought there was only one other person out there. i know i probably sound like a little girl right now, but remember- this is when i was really little. I thought that when i met ‘her’, and she met me- we would both know what to do. and that we would both feel the same way. But how could i overlook something as big as the fact that she might not feel the same way about me? that never occurred to me. maybe that's just because i was told too many fairy tales when I was a kid. Maybe I just believed in them too much.
But now i have a different feeling about what love is: i think it's harder to recognize than i first assumed. I think that when you try to fall asleep, and night after night you can't help thinking about the same person... or when that person moves miles and miles away and you haven't seen them for a while- but you still think about them everyday...or when you can't look at any other girl the same way because it just isn't the same... or when you swear that if things just worked out, you would do everything you could to make sure they never regretted one minute....well maybe that's closer to what love its. i'm still not sure. maybe one day i'll figure this all out. for now i'm just thinking that love isn't supposed to work one way. so i guess this can't be love.
Well i'm not sure that i've figured anything else out from typing all this, but maybe i can sleep now. for the record, i think that this girl is worth chasing after, even if there is no finish line to this race.
*Ok so Dashboard Confessional is playing right now, and i heard the line "just bend the pieces till they fit. but they weren't ment for this." do i even need to explain this one? i was just about to hit the 'post' button, but now i have make this connection: it's not like this girl is a puzzle piece that doesn't fit.... it's more like she's a puzzle piece that fits really well, just not to the same puzzle as me.

Oh, one more thing-- i'm supposed to think of something to do when she comes back to visit. I've been thinking- hike to some place with a cool view? ice skating? but now i think i'm not going to do anything. there's not much i can do. i wanted to do something that would stand out in her memmory. but if i do anything that's really worth remembering it's just going to seem like a date. i can't do anything too special, and it would just be a waste of time to do anything that's boring.

-steve

p.s. i know it's hopeless, you don't have to tell me